Cynthia, they’d look real bad without text, that’s how they’d look. No, really, I like the text on each picture—it’s something that sets us apart from other art companies. I actually paint the text into each individual painting, so that nice font you’re seeing is straight from my hand. But, even though it’s against my principles, I’ve made text-less artwork available for you. If you would like to purchase the Home Collection without text—and some of our customers do—ask your local retailer to order you the images you’d like without the words. Just don’t tell me about it.
Dr. Darren, my wife and I are constantly arguing about what color to paint our kitchen. She likes yellow and I like a nice gray. What do you think? –Gary Skausen, Santa Claus, IN.
Gary. Gary. Do you know what I call the color “gray?”—“Commie gray.” That’s right. “Commie” gray. I call it that because that’s the color I imagine solely exists in a communist country. (Yes, I’m against communism in color and philosophy.) Why would you paint your kitchen a communist color? That’s not even a color, let alone a kitchen color. Kitchens need to be inviting and homey. Experts (me and my wife) have found that the warmer the color in the kitchen—on the walls, on the plates, etc.—the more people feel like eating. And that’s the goal in the kitchen: to eat. So, Gary, weighing in on your debate, you obviously need to go with the warmer of the two options, which means that neither of you win. Pick my favorite color, cadmium red for your kitchen. Now, typically, I wouldn’t ever recommend painting your kitchen cadmium red, it’s just not the right color for the kitchen. But, in this scenario, we’ve got limited options: yellow, commie gray, and cadmium red. We’ve got to go with the cadmium red. I win.
Dr. Darren, my mother-in-law gave me a hideous piece of artwork that she asks about EVERY time I talk to her. It’s like she painted it herself or something. (Actually, she did. She painted it! And it’s horrible.) I would like to replace it with three pieces from your Home Collection. How can I do this without offending her? –Karen Wilde, Hagatna, Guam
Boy, Karen, you’re up a creek without a paddle! I agree that you should definitely replace hideous art with my Home Collection. Did you know that I have painted many different themes—Flowers, Lodge, Sports, Kitchen, Nautical, Fruits & Vegetables, Kids’ Rooms, etc? Of course you do! That’s why you want it hanging in your house. Look, buy the pieces you want—I’ll even give you a discount (use Darren15 for 15% off)—and use your artwork from the Darren Gygi Home Collection to replace your mother-in-law’s artwork. When she calls and asks about it, reassure her that it’s in a “safe place.” When she comes in person and can’t find it anywhere, tell her the truth, because honesty is always the best policy. I recommend something like, “Mom (if you call her that), your artwork was absolutely hideous. I couldn’t look at it without dry heaving and it gives the kids nightmares. I just had to take it down. I hate the artwork, but I love you.” That should smooth things over just fine.